


Dan, Phil and The Curse of the Phanfiction

by theslytherinqueen



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Confusion, Denial, Friends to Lovers, Missing Persons, Multi, Pastel Dan Howell, Pastel Dan and Punk Phil, Punk Phil Lester, Swearing, kind of hard to explain, made of lots of phanfics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2018-12-10 14:50:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 17,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11693949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theslytherinqueen/pseuds/theslytherinqueen
Summary: Dan and Phil get trapped in Phanfiction.





	1. In which Dan has Unicorn Bedsheets

Dan was confused. 

More confused than normal, that is. 

He was confused because he was in some pastel pink, flowery room.

He was also confused because he was wearing mint green pajamas.

He was mostly confused because he had unicorn bed sheets. 

_Unicorn_ bed sheets.

“Phil?”  he said, leaving this bedroom to try and look for his roommate.  “Phil, are you there?”

“Hey poppet!”  Someone said from behind him, and he jumped shouting, “Fucking Hell!”

“Daniel! Don’t say that word!”  the woman said. 

“Who are you?  And where’s Phil?”

“Daniel, are you okay?”  the woman replies, “Who’s Phil?”

“How do you know my name?”

“I’m your mother!”  she says, obviously worried, “Who’s Phil?”

Dan just stared at her.  His mother?  Firstly, this woman did not look like his mum at all.  She had bright blond hair, for crying out loud!  Secondly, he moved out years ago, to live with Phil, and he had no memory of inviting her over. 

Does she really not know who Phil is?

“Honey, are you sure you want to go to school today?”

“School?”

“Daniel, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine!”  he snapped. He softened his voice before saying, “I’ll just go get ready...”

With that, he promptly disappeared to the Unicorn Room.

 

\---///---

 

What the ever-loving fluff is going on?  He thought, Where am I?  Where’s Phil?  And why am I still living with my mum? 

He tried to ignore the tsunami of question whirring through his brain as he opened his wardrobe, regretting it instantly. 

Where. Is. The. Black?  He thought, Why is it all pastel?

He decided to ignore the pastel vibes and search through the wardrobe for a school uniform.  After being in the closet for a long time, he finally came out and shouted, “Where’s my uniform?” 

The woman-who-was-apparently-his-mum appeared in his doorway, “Uniform?  Dan you don’t need to wear uniform to go to school.”

“Oh, right.  I-err forgot.” He replied, trying to ignore the quickening pace of his heartbeat. 

“...Okay”

There was an awkward silence between them, until the woman-who-was-apparently-his-mum said, “You need to hurry up now.  PJ’s going to be here in a minute.”

“PJ?” 

“Yes, PJ.  You guys are walking to school together, right?”

“Yes.”  Dan said, genuinely having no ide what was going on or why this was happening to him. 

The woman-who-was-apparently-his-mum left, and he focused on finding something decent to wear. 

There was still no black. 

He ended up wearing a grey sweater and a pair of blue jeans.  He looked in the mirror and decided that he did not look depressing at all.  He sighed before grabbing a rucksack he assumed was for school and heading downstairs. 

PJ was sitting in the kitchen when he went downstairs. 

“Hey, Daniel!”  PJ smiled at him, but Dan was only able to stare.  This was PJ Liguori, but it wasn’t the one he was used to.  This PJ looked really young, even though he had the fringe and the eyes, all of his features were slightly different, and it just made Dan feel weird and old.  

“Hey, PJ.”  He replied. 

PJ frowned at him slightly before saying, “Let’s go!”

They headed out of the front door. 

“Daniel, are you alright?”

“I’m fine...”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah... Hey, PJ?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you know where Phil is?”

“Phil Morgan? Oh, he moved to America last year, remember?  You guys used to date but then you broke up because he was a massive c-”

“No!”  Dan said, “Phil Lester!”

“What would you have to do with _Lester_?”  PJ replied.  “He hates your guts.”

“What?”

“Daniel, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes.”  Dan replied, annoyed, “But can you stop calling me _Daniel_?  It’s just _Dan_.”

“But you said that messed with your aesthetic.”

“For the internet, maybe, but not for my _friends_.”

“Okay then, Dan...”

PJ just chatted to Dan for the rest of the journey.  Dan nodded, like he was paying attention, but really he was trying to figure out what the ever-loving fuck he’d done to deserve whatever’s happening right now.

 


	2. In which Phil thinks of cereal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Homophobic language. Not really graphic but descriptions of feeling sick.
> 
> I don't support homophobia, it's just part of the story. 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I say that Phil is bi in here, and I just want to say that this is not me assuming his sexuality or saying that he is bi in real life, this is a work of fiction.

"Phil?"  Dan said, as soon as he saw him.  Although, Dan wasn’t really sure that it was Phil.  He had the same black hair, but it had blue streaks, and  He had piercing on his face:  He had snakebites and an eyebrow bar, all tied together with black earrings and two sleeves of tattoos.  There was also a huge dragon tattoo on his neck, which may have looked cool in the punk edits video, but he couldn't imagine Phil actually having that on his body permanently.

Phil spun around to see a dimpled face, and the familiar brown hair of his friend.  He, however didn't have a chance to reply as Joe had Dan pushed up against the lockers. "Jo-I mean, Sugg- leave him."  Joe looked at Phil as if he'd turned into an octopus and started dancing with a mop, and he actually double-checked to see if he had pushed the right guy up against the lockers.  PJ had left as soon as Dan decided to speak to Phil.  

"Lester, you've got to be kidding me."  Joe said, letting go of Dan, "Yesterday I had to hold you back, you were so desperate to beat this guy up."

"Err- I just don't want trouble today."  Joe looked at him obviously confused. Phil had the same expression.   _Beat me up?_ Dan thought,  _If anything it would be the other way around: I always get mad at him for always taking my cereal.  It’d make sense that one day I’d snap._ (He was joking.  Obviously.  He’d never hurt Phil.)  For some derranged reason, Phil started groaning.    And that's how Phil's morning started: him groaning whist Dan and Joe were staring at him as if they'd both seen him turn into Santa and start to sing Jingle Bells.

Dan and Joe were still staring at him two minutes later, even though Phil had stopped groaning about cereal.  

"Guys?"  Phil said, trying his hardest not to laugh.  Dan and Joe had their mouths open like fish who were yawning. 

"What the ever-loving fluff was that?!"  Dan finally said, laughing.  

"Well, I was just thinking about this morning-"  Dan raised his eyebrows, "-NO! Nothing like that!- and I just remembered I didn't have cereal this morning."

"So you were groaning erotically about cereal."  Dan said, grinning, "That's kinky, and that's coming from me.  But don't worry, I'm not shaming you, you do you."

"No!" Phil was turning red, and Dan was laughing.  

Joe was just staring at them.  "Umm... Can I just say something?"

They both turned to face Joe and at the same time they said, "Sure." They then looked at each other with the expression of  _what the eff why did we just say the same thing at the same time telepathy is real ahhhhhhasdfjkllicortnv._

Joe, looking even more scared and confused, said, "I don't get it.  You guys were literally at each other's throats yesterday, and now you're acting like you've been best friends for years." 

Dan and Phil shared a look.  

"What's going on?"  Dan finally said, "I woke up in some pastel unicorn room, with no black clothes, and I walked with a young PJ, and I didn't even have to wear uniform to school (which is pretty _fucking_ weird as pretty much all of the schools in England have a uniform) and then I get to school and you have tattoos and piercings which is really strange because you're pretty much the embodiment of the feeling you get when you hear you're favourite song on the radio."

"I know.  It's like we're in some alternate universe."

"Alternate Universe?  Like a fanfic?" Dan said jokingly. 

"Yes!  Exactly like that!" Phil said, and Dan could practically hear the gears turning in his brain.  After a minute Phil whispered, "Dan, what if we're trapped in a fanfiction?"

Dan, who has absolutely no volume control whatsoever, shouted, "Phil, we're not in a bloody fanfiction!"  Which, obviously, made everyone around them stare at the two of them.  

"Well how else could you explain it?"

"I don't know!"

"Think about it!  Remember in TATINOF, when we let the fans send in artwork, and a few sent in pictures of me as a punk and you all pastel-y?"

"Yes, but there's been so much fanfiction about us!  So why would we suddenly get trapped in one?  And why this one?  Why not one of the other thousands?"

"I don't know!  But then what else makes sense?"

"Your theory doesn't even make sense!"

"Come on, Dan, it makes sense.  There must've been something that happened, and it basically means that we are trapped in fanfiction."  

Dan put a hand on Phil's forehead and he asked, "Are you ill?"  

Phil brushed Dan's hand away and said, "Come on, Dan, think about it!  What could have caused it though?  You are right about there being loads of other fanfiction."

They both frowned in concentration.  After thinking for a while, Dan said, "What about that site, the one which collates the 'best' fanfiction?  That new one?"

"Oh, yeah, that one that people thought was a DIY website?  The Best Fix?"

"What if?" Dan said, "What if that website is what's making this happen?"  He pulled out his phone and googled it.  The website came up, and Dan quickly typed in 'Dan and Phil',  and as expected a PastelDanXPunkPhil fiction came up at the top.  It was called  _Bully_.

" _Dan knew why he liked flower crowns._ " Dan read, " _Not only were they pretty, but they matched his clothes.  They also showed his softer side.  He knew why he liked pastel colors.  He just had a natural affinity with the light blues, baby pinks and mint greens.  It didn’t matter to him anyway: he liked them so he wore them.  He always thought ‘Look how you want people to perceive you.  That way people know what they’re signing up for.’  So he chose his style based on his personality, thoughts and all around softness.  However, he didn’t know why he liked this boy.  This boy, marked from top to toe with tattoos.  This boy who had piercings everywhere.  This dark-haired boy.  This boy who picked on him.  He just couldn’t understand why he wanted this boy who was set out to hurt him._ "

Phil said, "Do I pick on Dan a lot?"  Dan was confused for a moment, but then he realised that Phil was talking to Joe.  

"Yeah."  Joe replied.  

"Okay."  

"So,"  Dan said, "We're trapped in a fanfiction.  How do we get out? And how do we admit ourselves into the nearest mental hospital, as we're obviously insane?""

"I dunno."  Phil replied, ignoring the second question, "What's the aim of a fanfiction?"

"It's a story, right?"  Joe piped in, "So the aim would be to complete it."

"Complete it?  Like do what the author wants us to do?"  Dan says, "Just great.  Bet you this'll turn out to be an m-preg fic or something..."

"At the very least, we're going to have to be in a relationship."  Phil said, "Which will obviously be incredibly awkward for us."

Dan and Phil looked at each other with the exact same thought:  What the actual hell are we going to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, Thanks for reading this!!
> 
> If there are any fan fiction styles that you want to see then comment them below, and i'll look into it. I already have an idea of a few that i want to do, but any suggestions are appreciated!!


	3. In which Dan hears about Phil's morning.

"So now what?" Dan said, looking at Phil and Joe.  

"I guess one of you have to read the fanfic."  Joe said.

"Not it!"  Phil said quickly, remembering  _The Skin Fic_  with a shudder.

"But I don't want to!"  Dan whined.  

"Tough luck." Phil said.  

"It's like a hundred chapters long!"

"It's only..."  Phil looked at the fic on Dan's phone, "86 chapters long."

Dan sighed and began to read. 

\---///---

The next few days were... eventful, to say the least.  Phil had told Dan about his morning. He'd woken up on an uncomfortable bed in a dark room that smelt like cigarettes.  He had been really confused, and he wanted some crunchy nut, so he had decided to look for Dan.  

"Dan?"  he had called, "Dan, are you there?"

"Who's Dan?  Your boyfriend?"  A croaky voice had said behind him.  Phil had turned around quickly, and he had seen an old man sitting on the chair, "Don't tell me you're a fag." The man had said, "That'll be the death of me."  He had laughed, and Phil had joined in too, but his laughter was weak as it was only out of fear of the man sitting in the armchair.  

"Who are you?" Phil said.  

"I'm your father."  

Ignoring the Star Wars joke that popped up in his mind, Phil had gulped.  He knew that whoever that guy was, he wasn’t his father.  Dan agreed:  Phil’s dad believed in equality for everyone, and he would never use such a vile homophobic slur. 

"Anyway, son, don't you need to get to school?" his father had continued.

"School?"  Phil had replied.

"Yes, school.  You know, the place where you go to not be stupid?  It doesn't seem to be working for you."  

"Okay, I'll get ready."  Phil hand answered, as he was trying his best not to anger this man, "Where’s my uniform?”

“Uniform?  You must’ve had one to many hits to the head, son, as you don’t need to wear uniform at your school.”

“Oh, right.”  Phil had wandered upstairs, tripping on the rug he didn’t know was at the top of the staircase.  He had tried looking for the room that he woke up in, and after he had found it he looked in the wardrobe. He had hated the clothes that were in there.  To him, it looked like a dog's funeral threw up in the closet and then the closet was cleaned by the grim reaper.  There was too much black- it looked like a vampire's cape exploded inside of it.  He had chosen one of the many ~~many~~  black t-shirts and a pair of distressed black jeans to wear, and after changing, Phil had looked into the bathroom mirror for the first time, gasping at his appearance.  The whole punk look was so weird to him, as he was used to his bright, bubbly self.  _I think your personality is too adorable for it._ He had remembered Dan saying.  

He had sighed at his appearance and walked downstairs.  "Get in the car, I'll drive you to school today."  The man who he previously spoke to had said.  He had tossed Phil some car keys and Phil headed outside.  He had clicked the button in the keys and looked for the headlights that lit up at the same time.  Unfortunately for the motion-sick Phil, it was a rickety, rust, ancient-looking pick-up truck.  On the journey to school Phil had thrown up in his mouth about 5 times.  And each time he’d had to swallow it, because he was afraid to be sick in the old man's car.  

"Lester!" someone behind him had shouted when he reached the school.  He had quickly spun around to see a familiar brown-haired short person.  Except he wasn't so familiar, because he was covered in tattoos, he had a lip ring and had a purple fringe.  

"Joe?"  Phil had said.

"Joe?  Mate, you haven't called me anything but 'Sugg' since the day we met!"  He had laughed and Phil had awkwardly joined in.  

"Oh, yeah! I was just joking around!"  He had plastered a fake smile onto his face.  

"Cool."  Phil had been able to tell that Joe wasn't buying it, but he hadn’t pressed the matter further, which was something Phil was thankful for.

"Marcus isn't coming into school.  Says he's ill, but I bet that he's with that Stefanie chick he met last week." Joe had rolled his eyes before saying, "Speaking of relationships, we need to get you laid."

"What?" Phil had  spluttered.  

"Yeah, I mean we're both single pringles," Joe had cringed slightly as he had regretted saying that, "but you obviously aren't happy with it."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, you're always dark and depressing, we need to get you a chick who will make you happier."

"They're girls, not chicks.  And they aren't just there for making us happy, they're there to make themselves happy."

Joe had looked slightly offended before saying, "I didn't mean it like that, man."

"Oh.."

Phil hadn't had any time to rectify the situation, because behind him someone shouted his name (that someone being Dan)

Speaking of Dan, he had found out that he (in this au) loved pastel colours, unicorns (and other fluffy objects), and mint chocolate chip ice cream.  He was friends with Louise and Zoë, who were cheerleaders in this universe.  He was also friends with PJ, who had an art scholarship.  He was also picked on a lot by Phil and his tattoo buddies.  

Speaking of Phil, he was the typical bad boy.  He was friends with Joe, Marcus, Chris and Alfie, who were equally as tattoo-ed and pieced as Phil.  As well as that, he apparently hated Dan, and bullied him daily.  This was surprising for Dan and Phil, as Phil is literally the human embodiment of the sun from the Teletubbies.

Despite the animosity between the two characters, their friends were friends with each other.  In fact, Zoë and Alfie were dating.  

Phil and Dan were both having trouble keeping up the façade of hating each other, as they were used to being best friends.  However, they had decided that it would be better if they didn't tell anyone that they were from another universe- they'd never get anywhere if they were locked up in a mental institution for madness and delusion.  

Joe was a great help to them, though.  Because he'd been there when they were figuring out what was going on, he knew that some effed-up shit was happening, and decided to try and help them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading guys! expect some updates soon, I'll try and do a chapter at least once a week, but hopefully i'll update more often then that!


	4. In which Dan and Phil (awkwardly) complete the fanfiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh haven't uploaded in forever- reasoning at the end of the chapter!!  
> WARNING: There isn't any homophobic language, but there is a homophobic person, and suggested homophobia, so just watch out for that.

Two days after they'd arrived in this universe, Dan had finished reading the 86-chapter-long fanfiction.  He'd decided to meet Phil after school, and tell him what they had to do.

"That,"  Dan said, "was probably the most awkward thing I've ever read!" 

"It couldn't've been that bad!"  Phil said.  

"It was.  I swear to god, if I have to read the words ' _Dan looked into the raven-haired boy's bright blue eyes_ ' ever again, I'll jump off the nearest cliff.  Your eyes aren't even plain blue!  They have green and yellow in them!"

Phil rolled his eyes, "Good alliteration though."  Dan laughed, and Phil said, "So how does it end?"

"No spoilers!" Dan said, "You'll have to read it and find out yourself!"  

"But I read really slowly.  We'll be here forever."  

"No you don't."

"I will if I put my mind to it."  

Dan rolled his eyes and said, "Basically it ends with you coming out to your dad-"

"Oh, well that's not so bad!"  

"-when he catches you kissing me."

"Oh."

There was an awkward silence between them.  

"And basically I say that you can stay at my place and then the story ends."  

"Okay, so when do we do this."

"Well, your dad comes back from wherever early every Wednesday."

"So?"

"So, if we go to your place on Wednesday, we can have your dad catch us, like he did in the story."

"Okay."

"So, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

\---///---

It was Wednesday.   

Dan tried to go through school as if he wasn't going to have to kiss his best friend later on that day.  Their relationship had always been as friends and nothing more, not even in 2009 when Dan was Phil's obsessed stalker (he prefers the term obsessed trash).  Even that tackle hug from the first PINOF was entirely platonic.  And Dan didn't want it to change.  He didn't like Phil that way, and he always hated the phan ship.  He hated it because he didn't feel that way about Phil, and he didn't want to be pressured into a relationship.  He got used to it in the end, though.  But kissing Phil?  That was different to innocently sleeping in his bed after he'd had a nightmare, or hugging him onstage in front of thousands of people after a  _Most Likely To_.  He was perfectly comfortable where he was, thank you very much.  And perhaps that's why he was avoiding Phil.  

Phil had kind of noticed that Dan was ignoring him.  He guessed it was about the kiss, but they were best friends, and surely they could get over it. Phil was happy to do anything to get out of this phanfiction universe.  And it's not like they like each other or something.  

The day passed really quickly for the both of them:  they were very uneventful (except for one incident).

What?  You really want to know about it?  

A few days before they had to go to Phil's house, Dan had maths.  The teacher,  even though he had an accent that Dan could actually understand, was a prick.  He seemed to have it out for Dan.  

"So,"  Mr.Prick (Well, his actual name was Mr. Pilk, but Dan decided to give him a nickname) said, "if the diameter of a circle is 2r, what is the area?  Dan?"  Dan frowned at the teacher.  He didn't bloody know:  he hadn't done maths for years!  "Asshole,"he muttered underneath his breath, "Picking on me when I don't know the answer."

"What was that?"  The teacher asked.  

Dan gulped.  

"Did you just say what I thought you did?"

Dan stayed silent.  

"Go to the principal's office.  Now!"  Dan rushed out of the classroom.  And he ended up with detention, meaning he would not be out of school in time to go to Phil's house.  

So they had to wait another week, and soon it was time to go to Phil's house.  

They sat in Phil's living room in silence.  They were waiting for Phil's dad to pull up in the driveway.  

Dan couldn't look at Phil, and Phil couldn't stop looking at the brunette.  He looked so vulnerable, dressed in pastel, a tiny flower crown perched on his forehead.  He looked so unlike his Dan- the one who only wore black- the one with the suggestive jokes.  

Soon, they could he the slow sound of the engine turning off.  

"This is it."  Dan said, turning to face Phil.  

They heard the key turn in the lock with a quiet click.  

Phil put his hand on Dan's face and they leaned into each other.  

And slowly, their lips connected.  

Phil was thinking about how soft Dan's lips were, and Dan wasn't thinking about anything but Phil.  

They then heard a cry of outrage, and they were roughly pulled apart.  

"Get out."  The man who was supposed to be Phil's dad said.  His voices was venomously quiet, like the calm before the storm.  "GET OUT!"  He shouted, pointing to the door.  Dan and Phil ran to the door, and got into Phil's car.  

After they were a good five minutes away, Dan said, "Okay, now we go to my house and the fic ends there."

"Great."

They drove there in silence, and Dan's mother was really nice to Phil and let him sleep in the guest bedroom. 

It was a nice gesture, but neither Dan or Phil were going to sleep much that night.  

They were too busy thinking of each other, and that amazing kiss.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay- so i had no wifi!! I was on holiday and i had no wifi, which basically ruined me.  
> ANyway, I have decided that i am going to upload on Sundays now, starting next week.  
> I am so sorry for not uploading, but hopefully this chapter was good enough to make up for that!  
> also how was the kiss scene? i'm not sure how it was, because i haven't written one before.  
> anyway bye, thanks for reading, you all mean a lot to me, see you guys soon (as long as i still have wifi)


	5. In which "Phil" acts weird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know that a couple of you want me to write an m-preg in this fic, but i'm still working that out- but expect it soon!  
> This part will be only one chapter long.  
> Also, this is set in the old apartment.  
> Also, the italics is the fanfic inside of the fanfic (the kidnapped one) (you'll know when you read it.)

Dan woke up, delighted by the comfort of his familiar checkered bedsheets.  He smiled as he wandered down to the kitchen,  _Finally_ , he thought  _that fanfiction fiasco is over_.

He blushed a little when he remembered what they actually had to do to get out of the fanfic.  Truth be told, he'd actually liked it (not that he'd say that, he was _drowning_ in denial).  He was going to act like it'd never happened, and he was going to put this whole situation behind him.  

He noticed some Crunchy Nut crumbs lying on the counter and he laughed lightly to himself.   _Jesus Christ..._ he thought,  _Is there ever going to be a time that Phil doesn't steal my cereal in the dead of the night?_

Speaking of the devil, Phil walked into the kitchen at that moment.  Dan smiled at him, and then continued pouring milk into his bowl of cereal.  Phil then walked up to him and wrapped his arms around Dan's waist.  Dan froze, his breathing become uneven as his heart began racing.  He quickly pulled away from the romantic gesture.  He then proceeded to frown at Phil, as if he was saying  _what the HELL are you doing?_

Phil frowned, "Dan,"  he said, "Is something wrong, love?"

Dan's eyes widened as he backed away from Phil.  

"Dan-" Phil stepped towards him, and Dan backed away a little more.  He knew Phil, and Phil wouldn't be acting like this, not after one forced kiss.  

"Phil, what the hell are you doing?"  

"I don't understand"

"That kiss was nothing!  We only did it because we had too!"  he said.  

"Dan, what kiss are you talking about?"

Dan stayed silent.  He continued to stare at Phil incredulously.  

"Dan, I don't get why you're looking at me like I'm mad!"

"Because we're just friends!  And you're acting like we're in a relationship!"

"Friends?  Dan, we're married!"

Dan eyes widened as his mouth fell open.   _Married_? 

Dan laughed nervously and bit his lip.   _Married?_  he thought, _I can't be married to Phil! Is this- Are we still in a fanfiction?_

"Dan?"

Dan laughed again, loudly this time.  "I got you!" he said, thinking on his feet, "Haha, did you see your face?  We're married, Dan!"  He said, mockingly.  

"Wait, was this a joke?"  Phil said. 

"Yeah!"  Dan said, pretending to double over in laughter.  

Phil started to laugh, and Dan went back to his cereal, his mind whirring with thoughts.  I'm willing to bet that we're still in fanfiction.  But if we are,, why doesn't Phil realise it?  It makes absolutely no sense for him to not know we're in fanfiction, not when he was aware in the last one.  That means that this guy can't be Phil.  But if he isn't Phil, then who is he?  Phil left the room, and Dan practically ran to his computer, and opened up the fanfiction website.  There was a fic called _Kidnapped_.  Dan began to read.

\---///---

_Phil woke up in another dark room.  This time he wasn't sleeping on a bed, he was on the floor._

_He blinked and looked around, but everything was a blur.  Where are my glasses? he thought, And more importantly, where am I?_

_"Sir," he hear a blurry bob say, "He's awake!"_

_"Good..." a sinister voice said.  No matter how hard Phil tried he just couldn't figure out who was saying it, however, he did realise that the voice was female._

_Phil decided that staying silent was probably the best thing that he could do._

_"The plan is in place."_

_Phil frowned.  What plan?_

_Phil couldn’t stop thinking about Dan.  Where was he?  Was he also trapped here?   He was also worrying about how the hell he'd gotten into this situation._

_"Mr.Lester,"  the sinister voice he'd heard earlier said._

_"Where are my glasses?"  Phil said, sick of not being able to see properly._

_"You'll only be allowed to use them under supervision.  I would hate to see you figure out a way to escape from here."_

_"So I just stay blind?"  Phil had to stifle a laugh.  It was one of the most ridiculous things he’d ever heard.  It also meant that he'd have to rely on Dan finding him._

_"It's for security reasons."_

_Phil narrowed his broken eyes at her.  "I'll get out of here soon."  I hope, he added in his head._

_"Oh, yeah? How?"  She said, "Will you have your precious loverboy find you?"_

_Phil frowned.  She must have Dan._

_"Don't worry, he won't even know you're gone."_

_She pressed a remote, and the wall lit up behind him.  On the screen, he could see their apartment, and not much else._

_"I can't see."  he said, and she shoved some glasses into his hand.  He put them on his face, and he saw Dan sitting on their couch; in his regular browsing position.  Someone who looked exactly like Phil walked up to him and started talking to Dan.  But he also noticed that Dan was biting his lip, which he knew Dan did whenever he was nervous.  Did Dan know it wasn't him?_

\---///---

Dan was hiding the computer from Imposter-Phil.  He needed to find out what'd happened to Phil, and more importantly how to get out of this fic, so he was on  _The Best Fix_ website, reading a fanfic called  _Kidnapped_.  He knew that he had to keep this from Imposter-Phil, because he'd probably realise that the plot of this fic was what was currently happening to him, which in turn would cause some sort of paradox.  Especially since he's the bad guy. 

As well as that, Dan don't think that he could explain to Imposter-Phil why the hell he was reading fanfiction about his supposed husband.  

So for now, Dan was stuck being awkwardly romantic to someone who looked just like his best friend whilst reading a fanfic about the two of them together.  When did his life come to this?

\---///---

_After seeing the footage from their apartment (and having his glasses taken away again), Phil felt a little less positive about their situation.  It was obvious that this Fake Phil would be good at acting like him.  If that was true, there'd be no way that Dan'd realise that he was missing._

_So Phil had accepted that he was stuck in this blurry hell indefinitely._

_How did his life come to this?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i hoped you liked it!  
> 


	6. In which Dan meets Phil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i've changed some of the chapters to accommodate a new ending that i've thought of. i'd suggest you read the chapters before this one again- but the plot has stayed pretty much the same (the writing has just changed a little bit)

_There was a flash of light and a yell.  Then there was nothing._  

  
\---///---

  
Fake-Phil was getting on Dan's nerves.

   
In Dan's opinion he was overly romantic.  It was always a kiss, and a hug, and flowers, and love notes, and gifts.   _The gifts._  They were the worst of them all.  It was all stupid, commercialised bullshit.  Little teddies that said _I love You_ , and different types of chocolate.  Dan felt like he wanted to throw them all out of the window.  Perhaps if they were actually dating he wouldn't have minded it.  But he knew that these gifts meant nothing to him or Imposter-Phil.  They were full of fake  _I love you_ 's.

"Hey, babe."  Fake-Phil said, and Dan resisted the strong urge to roll his eyes.  There was no way that his Phil would say  _Hey babe_  that obnoxiously, whether they were married or not.  

  
"Hi."  Dan replied.  

  
"So, I was wondering whether you'd like to go out for dinner."

  
"Uh... I'm not sure.."

  
"Please, sweetheart,"  Dan had to stop himself from rolling his eyes again, "We haven't been out in so long."

   
"Maybe there's a reason for that."

  
"What do you mean?"

  
Dan knew it was time act out the fanfiction.  It was at this point, he (in the fanfiction) made Fake-Phil slip up.  "Maybe."  Dan said cautiously, "Maybe it's because you're bored of me."

  
"What?!"  Dan could see Fake-Phil pale a little bit though.  

  
"Two weeks ago,"  Dan continued, knowing that Fake-Phil had only infiltrated their flat one week ago, "I saw you with that girl."

  
"What are you talking about?"

  
"On Tuesday, we decided to meet at Starbucks, and I saw you kissing that other girl."

  
"Look, I don't know what happened, but she came on to me!  I didn't even know she was going to kiss me."

  
"Really?"  Dan continued, now copying the fanfic word for word, "Because we never decided to meet up on that Tuesday because we were in meetings all day."  Fake-Phil's eyes widened, as he now knew that Dan was onto him.  "So," Dan continued, "Who are you and where the hell is Phil?"

  
Dan braced himself for what was coming next as Fake-Phil's fist collided with his jaw.  The paralyzing hurt spread through his body like icy, liquid metal. He clenched his fists as the fist struck his mouth, sending a wave of pain down his body. He noticed his feet tremble. His legs twitched, fighting the impulse to whirl around and sprint out of the door; the only thing that was keeping him here was the fact that he knew that he was safe.  He knew that he had nothing to worry about because he had read the fanfiction.  Fake-Phil wouldn't kill him.  Salty blood filled his mouth.  Fake-Phil then grabbed his wrists and put some handcuffs around Dan's wrists, dragging Dan to a car.  He shoved him in the back and got in the driver's seat.  He then began to drive.    
\---///---  
After what felt like hours, they reached some house. It was quite small: probably made for one person.

  
"We're here" Fake-Phil said.

  
"Great", Dan said, sarcastically, "Have you got tea and biscuits set out too?"

  
Fake-Phil just rolled his eyes and dragged him into the house.

  
The house was, well, it wasn't what Dan was expecting. It was kind of ordinary, and Dan was struggling to see how a psycho could live here.  
He was lead into the basement, and there he saw Phil tied up, not unlike how he was in Dan's How to befriend your favourite Internet Stars video. He was pulled over to where Phil was, and was thrown onto the floor beside him.

  
"Hi." Dan whispered. Phil tried to speak but he was gagged, so the words came out in an awkward "Mmnfllufdll"

  
"Okay." Dan whispered quietly, "I read the fanfic. And I know how to get out of here." Phil looked more hopeful. "But," Dan continued, "we have to wait for the girl who kidnapped you." Phil frowned, and mimed crazy with his hands.

Dan had no time to respond, however, as a blonde woman walked into the room and said, "Oh my god! It's actually you!"  She was gushing, and walking towards Dan.  Her icy blue eyes had lit up as soon as she'd seen Dan.  She was quite small, so small that you'd expect her to be timid, but here she was, walking towards Dan and Phil with all the confidence in the world.  Dan felt Phil tense up beside him, and he felt awful.  He knew what hell Phil had been through whilst Dan had to wait to complete the fanfiction, and Dan was mad at himself for not saving Phil.  But now was not a time for guilt because they wee getting out of here

  
So Dan smiled. If he didn't know what was going to happen next, he'd have been very afraid, yet here he was smiling.  Why?  Because now they can get out of this shitstorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, 
> 
> Firstly, I wanted to say _JESUS CHRIST ON A FRICKIN' BOAT _I haven't uploaded in eons. So two weeks ago (nearly) I changed a lot of the chapters, so I decided to leave updating that week so that you guys would have time to read it and adjust to the differences. I was planning on uploading on Sunday, but I missed that deadline four days ago, and I'm so sorry about that. I'm trying to get this pic updated weekly, but I'm not managing to as I'm swamped in work. I'll try my best to get a chapter up as soon as I finish writing it, so you may get two uploads one week, and none in a different week.__
> 
>  
> 
> _  
> _In other news, I have started writing a new fic! Now, this fic is an au, and it's more serious than this. I know from past experience that writing two or more fics at once and trying to having regular uploads is very difficult for me as I have a lot of work to do outside of fiction writing. This fic will still be uploaded on weekly (hopefully), but the other one may have less frequent uploads. I'd love it if you'd check it out though: it's called _in pieces_ and you should be able to find it on my profile (#spon)_  
>  _
> 
>  
> 
> _  
> _anyway, thank you so much for reading, it means so much to me! Thank you for anyone who has left kudos or a comment, it means the absolute world to me for anyone to think that my writing is good enough to leave kudos or a comment, so thank you xx__  
> 


	7. In which Dan and Phil get out of one situation, but get thrown into another

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christ, I'm finding it so difficult to upload every week. I'm trying as hard as I can, but I don't think I'll be able to keep it up, as I don't want to upload a chapter that I'm not happy with.

The woman was smiling at Dan and Phil creepily.  Dan felt Phil squirming beside him, and Dan knew he had to get Phil out of this situation.  

"So, my name is Danielle."  the girl- Danielle- said, "Well, it was originally Angelica, but I changed it to mach your names."  She laughed, and Dan knew that this bitch was crazy. 

"What do you want from us?"  Dan asked, knowing her reply. 

"I remember watching your videos and falling in love with the both of you.  It was love at first watch.  The way you two acted alone and together couldn't have been more attractive.  So I took your advice, Dan."  She smiled a sickly sweet smile, "I started following al of your accounts, and using some hacking that I learnt in school, I found your home address.  And that's when a plan formed in my head."  She grinned, "It was actually pretty smart of me.  I realised that it'd be difficult to take both you and Phil, so I decided to take Phil first, as he'd be less likely to fight back.  But, you're a smart lad,"  she winked, "so you'd notice if your hubby was missing.  So I sent a lookalike in."  Fake-Phil walked out from behind here, as if his entrance was rehearsed.  "It's funny how much plastic surgery helped me with my plan.  Anyway, so I trained Fake-Phil to act and react like Phil, and I started memorising your routines, waiting for a chance to strike.  I did, and Fake-Phil took your Phil's place.  The only thing I didn't count on was the fact that you knew Phil too well, and you quickly caught on to what Fake-Phil was doing.  So, Fake-Phil brought you here too."

"What's your plan for us?"  Dan said.  

"I'm going to keep you here, with me,  _forever_."

"MMHM!!"  Phil said, clearly panicking as he briefly forgot that they were in a fanfiction.  

"You know, you can do more than just keeps here."  Dan said, trying to copy the sexy tone that was described in the tone.  

"Oh?  Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"Why don't you take off my handcuffs and I can show you?"  

And maybe it was because she was a hormonal twenty-year old, or maybe because the author didn't realise that there was no chance that any kidnapper would get rid off their victim's handcuffs, she removed his handcuffs.  He stood up put one hand on here cheek, the other on the small of her back.  He leaned in, and attached their lips, his hand travelling lower.  So low that he reached into her pocket and grabbed her set of keys.  

"Wow."  she said as she pulled away.   "I need to tell Philippa about this!"  She promptly exited, Fake-Phil following her.  

Dan smiled at Phil as soon as he was sure that Danielle wasn't coming back.  He showed him the keys with a smirk on his face, before making of Phil's handcuffs and the gag.  

"Thank God." Phil said as soon as he could speak again.  

"You can thank me later, now we need to get out."  Dan replied.  They ran through the house:  Dan had memorised the route that they'd taken.  He unlocked the front door, and they escaped into the open.  He kind of wished that it'd be this easy to escape a kidnapping in real life.  All was well, until a alarm started going off, Danielle and Fake-Phil were at the door.   _Shit!_  Dan thought,  _Shit, this wan't in the fucking fanfic.  What do we do?_ Before he could ask Phil, he realised that they were running into oncoming traffic.  And then as if in slow motion, the setting around the changed, a whirlwind like in the construction in YouTube Rewind.   **(You know, the start bit when they find the button after they ride the bikes?)**  And they were in a forest.  

A deafening silence strikes him as he took a step deeper into the woods.  Out of all the places that they could've landed, a creepy forest with huge trees was the worst thing for Dan.  Especially because he was afraid of trees.  He kind of just stood there, close to Phil as he waited for fucking Slenderman or something to pop up at them and scare the shit out of them.  A distinct chill settled on them, making their hair stand up on end, ruffling their clothes.  The buildings towered above them, their wooden bodies peering at them, wondering what they could possibly be doing here. Eerie green light shines through the tiny gaps between the trees, discolouring the ground.  The biting wind threw Dan's curly hair into his face as he stood there, the glaring chill hitting him in the chest.  He wrapped his arms around this chest as the cold was really hitting him at that point. 

Tall trees were still looming over them, domineering and silent.  They could barely see anything through the thick blue fog that crowded their vision.  There was nothing but trees for miles, and no one but them. It was dark, the sky was black, starless and dead.  Something rustled through the leaves, and Dan turned around,trying to find the source of the noise.  He turned to Phil, who was silently pointing to Dan's chest.  His eyes widened as he saw a pin there.  It was a glimmering gold, shining brightly against their dark damp settings.  It was an intricate design of a mockingjay.


	8. In which Dan and Phil excercise (sort of)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a bit where they communicate without talking. Phil is in _italics_ and Dan is in **bold**

Out of all the things that Dan thought he'd be doing that year, partaking in the Hunger Games really wasn't on the list.  He thought that this year would be spent browsing in his sofa crease, looking through tumblr and making videos.  Being in a forest, far away from England, was the last thing he bloody needed.  He had just moved house for Christ's sake!  He needed a relaxing time.  But  _noooo_.  Whoever controlled fate decided to fuck his life up.  

"Dan?"  Phil said, "What are we going to do?"

"How am I meant to know?"

"I don't have my phone."  

When he heard this, Dan immediately searched for his phone in his pocket.  "Shit."  he said, "I don't have mine either.  How the fuck are we meant to get out of this?"

"Let's think like a phanfiction writer."

"Okay, fine.  We meet in the woods, fall in love, have sex under the stars and somehow survive the Hunger Games."  Dan replied sarcastically.

"Dan."  Phil said, his tone showing that he was starting to lose his patience, "We have figure something out."

"You're right." 

They stood in silence for a few pensive minutes.  Neither of them said anything, both of their brains whirring through the many possible solutions for their situation.  

"Maybe,"  Phil said, "We should find somewhere to rest."  He looked up at the sky, which was filled with grey clouds, "It's night-time and I think it's going to rain."

"You're right."  Dan said, "We can think of something in the morning."  

Phil nodded and pursed his lips.  And for one brief,  _brief_ moment, Dan imagined kissing those lips.  Realising what he hd just thought, Dan pushed the mental image out of his mind, his eyes widening.  

"What's wrong?"  Phil said, frowning.  He had noticed Dan's sudden change of expression. 

"Nothing."  Dan replied quickly.   _Too_ quickly.  "Just scared."  He added, not wanting Phil to pry.

Phil's expression softened, "Bear,"  He began, and Dan instantly felt all warm and fuzzy.  Phil hadn't called him bear since, well  _forever_.  The use of his old family nickname made Dan feel really comforted, even though he was in a forest, probably near many moths.  "you don't need to be scared."  Phil continued, "It's okay, we're fine.  We just need to remember none of this is real.  We're in a fanfiction."  He smiled at Dan. "Plus, it'd be a great video idea, y'know.  Just imagine it:  _Surving the Hunger Games_."  He did the  _So my name is [Dan]_ hand gesture.

"Yeah,"  Dan said, ignoring the reference to his first video, "And then we'd be sent to an asylum."  

They both staring laughing, and looking over at Phil, Dan realised something.

He might have the smallest, teeny-tiniest crush on Phil.

Well, shit.

* * *

In Dan's opinion, the forest was pretty fucking desolate.  It really reminded him of a song that he had sang before, what was it again?  The minute he remembered he began signing it, "Trees, trees, trees to my left.  Trees, trees, trees to my right.  Trees, trees, trees to my back."

"Dan,"  Phil interrupted, shivering at the memory, "I think the last thing we need is a reminder of  _Slender_."  

Dan laughed before saying, "I think the last thing we need is Slenderman to actually appear."

"I think that I'd actually die if that happens.  Not because he  _Slenderman_ , but because your shrieks are fatal."

Dan rolled his eyes, "Ha ha."

"I'm serious!  Every spooky week I actually lose 50% of my hearing."

"Oh fuck off!"

Before Phil had time to reply, and arrow shot past Dan's ear and hit a tree.  They both shared a look that said,  _Oh shit._

"You guys are actual idiots."   A voice behind them said.  Despite all of his instincts to run, Dan was frozen, Phil at his side, slowing inching towards the shadows.  "You're in the middle of the woods.  At night.  Try not to make so much noise."   It was at this point that the person came out from behind a tree.  Dan recognised her instantly.

"Cat?"  he said.  

"How do you know my name?"  She said, instantly drawing a knife, "District Twelve doesn't normally get to see the reaping.  You didn't pay any attention in the training." 

"I, err-  You just look like a Cat?"  Dan said, thinking on his feet, "I guess it was a lucky guess?"

"Anyway, you got lucky.  The career tributes could've heard you instead of me."  Dan shivered at the thought.  He knew that the career tributes have been training all of their lives to win The Hunger Games.  They would definitely be a lot better a the whole killing thing than Dan. "You're lucky you can trust me."

_Can I?_ Dan thought,  _In real life, sure I'd trust Cat, but who knows what_ this _Cat is like_.   _For all I know she could be lying to me_.

"What's your name?"  Cat asked, "I'm sure I heard it at some point, but I'm not that great at names."

"Right."  Dan said, "I'm Dan."

"Cool."  Cat said, putting her knife away, "Do you want to work with me?  To take down the career tributes, I mean."  She looked around, "It'd be just you and me."

"Why should he trust you?"  Phil, who'd been uncharacteristically quiet this whole time, said, walking out of the shadows.  "Why shouldn't he kill you just now?"  If Dan wasn't Phil's closest friend, he wouldn't have known that Phil was bluffing.  However, he noticed Phil acting over confident.

Cat quickly drew her bow, "You wouldn't dare, _career tribute_."

"Try me."  Cat pulled the bow tighter, and Dan's breath hitched.  Phil was looking calm. 

"Don't."  Dan said.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't."  Cat snapped, glaring at Phil.  

"Because we're a package deal.  You kill him, I kill you."  He bluffed, "And even if I decide to spare you, I won't help you." He added.

She lowered her bow.  "Fine."  

He could see Phil relax slightly.

"So do we have a deal?  I help you, you help me?"

Dan and Phil looked at each other, having a conversation without speaking. 

_We're going to agree, right?_

**Yes, but we need to look like we're mulling it over.**

_True, true.  I can't_ _believe I'm a career tribute._

**I know.  You wouldn't hurt a fucking** **fly.**

_Dan!  Children could be listening!_

**To our thoughts?**

_Yeah!_

***rolls eyes***

_You think we've paused for long enough_

**Yeah.**

They both simultaneously turned to Cat.  "We're in."  They said at the same time. 

Cat looked at them as if they'd just turned into Slenderman.  They grinned at the same time.  Cat took a step back.  "Okay, if we're going to work together, you guys have to stop acting like the twins from the shining."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^^ is the slenderman moment that i was talking about. If you haven't seen the gaming vid then click [ here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jbFWmd8bs4). I'd recommend it because it's fucking hilarious, and jumpscare warnings are in the description.


	9. In which Phil falls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i haven't updated on time, or at all last week.  
> i'm kinda drowning in work atm, so i'm kinda sucky at writing and generally not procrastinating.  
> i'm also working on two one shots as well as another chaptered pic, so i guess i just spent time on them instead of this fic, because i didn't know what i wanted to do on it.  
> BUT here is the next chapter (y'all might kill me for what i'm about to do) (mwahahahaha)  
> TW: a not very graphic wound description.

They took cover in a cave that Cat had found, taking it in turns to be on watch for the other tribute. Cat had come up with the idea, because it would help their chances of survival, and  _just fucking do it, Dan._

Phil had managed to guard without any major disasters.  He had caught a small cold, but they knew it would go away with rest.  He had sneezed on Dan, which (because he may be in the hunger games but he's still going to be dramatic) Dan hadn't forgiven.  Cat was asleep:  she said that she'd guard in the morning when more people were likely to be up and about and ready to kill.  

It was Dan's turn, and he was honestly quite worried.  Out of all things, Dan should not be trusted with guarding the cave when their  _actual lives_ were at stake.  He didn't bloody know how to defend himself!  He barely knew how to take care of himself in the normal, non-hunger-games way!  So Dan wasn't just a little nervous, he was really nervous.  So nervous that he actually tried to get Cat to cover for him, not caring about how much it made him look like a coward.  He didn't give a shit:  he'd rather be a coward than fucking dead.  But his attempts were fruitless, and he was sitting outside the cave on a chair, waiting for someone to attack so that he could scream his "manly battle cry" (*cough* high pitched shriek *cough*) and tell Cat and Phil that there were people outside.  

At least this time alone let him think for a minute:  he hadn't been able to do so in forever.  

His first problem was the fact he was stuck in fanfiction.  Out of all the things, Dan didn't think he really deserved to be trapped in endless amounts of romantic phanfiction with his best friend.  Yes, he had done some bad things in the past, he had been on some dodgy websites at 3AM, but he really didn't think he deserved to be trapped in a  _Hunger Games_ alternate universe, where he  _literally_ had to fear death.  He also had no clue how the hell he was going to get out of this situation.  They'd figured out that they had to finish the fanfics when they got stuck in the first one, but then they had been transported to another fic.  They didn't know how many fanfics they had left, which meant that they didn't know when they were going to go back to normal.  So many questions flooded Dan's mind:

_When are we getting out of this?_

_Why is this_ _happening?_

_How did this happen?_

_Is any time passing in normal life?  Are we, like, going to not post for three months or something?_

_Have our families noticed our absence?_

_How the fuck is Phil so calm?_

_And why do I feel as though I want to kiss him?_

Wait, what?

Dan tried to push the thought away as soon as it arrived.  He had been having these foreign thoughts ever since they had kissed for the first fanfiction.  Dan didn't know whether it was because he hadn't had much action for a couple of years now, because they were trapped in a fanfiction and that was somehow affecting him, or because that kiss had unveiled some hidden feelings for Phil, but he was trying his hardest to push those thoughts away.  He didn't want to ruin his friendship for some unwanted, unrequited feelings that would probably go away as soon they got out of here.  

And anyway, he didn't need to tell Phil about all of the times he imagined kissing him.  Of course not. 

* * *

 

_He didn't know why, but he needed to keep walking_ _._

_There was a flash of light and a yell._

_Then there was nothing._

* * *

Dan had fucked up.  He had royally fucked up.  Remember how he was supposed to guard the cave?  Yeah, he fucked that up.  He fell asleep.  He fell asleep, leaving not only himself, but Cat and Phil, in danger.  

And the one fucking time he was off guard, someone tried to attack.  

He recognised them immediately.  PJ and Chris weren't strangers to them after all these years.  As soon as he saw them, he recognised the curly brown mop pause with green eyes and the familiar hairstyle of the one and only crabstickz, yet both of their faces were twisted into murderous smirks, which Dan didn't recognised.  

His brain instantly scream  _DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!_  

"Shit. Shit. Shit."   He muttered under his breath.  

He heard Chris snicker under his breath.  "District Twelve."  he said, "Already killed your mate."  (Dan had no clue as to what the was referring to), "Now,"  he paused, twirling the knife in his hand, "it's your turn."  

"Right,"  Dan said, being extra loud, "Is there anyway I can convince you not to kill me?"  His voice was getting louder.

"No."  PJ said, lowering his bow slightly, "You're on your own,"  Dan heard shuffling coming from the cave, "it's the perfect time to get rid of you."  

"Right."  Dan said, and there was a silence behind him.  Cat and Phil were waiting for him to make a move,  

And Dan did. 

He ran past them with a speed he never knew he had within him, and he fucking sprinted until he couldn't feel Chris and PJ's presence near him.  He didn't even fall over.  If only the people making the Dan running meme could see him now.  

And before he knew it, an ear piercing scream hit Dan.  He turned around quickly and saw Phil, his hand gripped around an arrow in his chest.  Blood was oozing around the wound, the red dripping down his white shirt, boldly staining it.  

"Phil!"  Dan quickly shouted, running over to his best friend, no longer worrying about getting stabbed by his best friends.  

"Dan..."  Phil said weakly, "We tried to tell them to stop killing me in these fanfics... I guess they didn't listen."

"What?  No- Phil!" 

But there was no reply as Phil fell to the floor.  

He had been killed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH I hadn't uploaded in forever, i'm sorry!  
> also sorry for that chapter ending too!  
> don't worry though, I should be updating this Sunday (if i get the time). If not, it'll be next sunday then!!  
> Thanks for reading xx


	10. In which there is ANGST

Dan woke up, sweating and tense, Phil's name in his mouth.  Panting slightly as he took in his surroundings, he was instantly comforted by the familiarity of his surroundings.  There were posters, drawings and paintings dotted across the wall, and a familiar lamp on the table, glowing orange as to not leave his room in darkness.  The checkered bedsheets that he was clutching were definitely the ones he bought all those years ago.    His piano was in the corner of his room.  

He was in their apartment.  

And that was when the memories came flooding in. 

Dan remembers Phil's body falling to the floor, crumpling on the ground, life seeping out of him. 

Dan remembers screaming, hot tears streaming down his face.  

Dan remembers falling to his knees and crying over Phil's body.  

Dan doesn't remember falling asleep. 

Yet here he was, lying in bed, not wanting to get up because his best friend had died.  Getting up meant that he would have to face the rest of the day, without Phil.  

And Dan couldn't bring himself to accept that.  

He lay in bed, thinking of everything that had happened to him since they met at the train station all those years ago.  

 _Phil is not on Fire  
Phil suggested drawing cat whiskers on their face, and Dan agreed because he was still in awe of _ actually  _meeting_ AmazingPhil _for the first time.  The hundreds of comments on all social media platforms, all of those nights on Skype, forking out a hell of a lot of money to go to Manchester to meet him, all of it was worth it.  Dan didn't have a best friend for the first eighteen years of his life.  He was certain that he had now gained one._ _The video itself was fun to film: there was no pressure about what they had to do.  Dan still had the questions they'd scribbled down in a box in his room.  Those questions meant so much to him as they were lasting memory that PINOF had actually happened, and that he had actually met Phil._ _He, on that very first day, knew that he would be a part of Phil's life as long as they lived._

 _Moving in  
Dan had been incredibly nervous to move in with Phil.  No matter how hard he tried not to think about it, all of the "What If"s were flooding into his brain at a thousand miles per hour.  'What if Phil gets bored of me? What if I do something stupid and make him hate me?  What if I destroy our friendship?  What of we get robbed?  What if I get a girlfriend or a _ _boyfriend?  What if, what if, what if?'  But as soon as they had moved in, all of those worries flew out of the window-_ their _window- and they had an amazing time.  And they thought that they might eventually move out, but they were happy to be living together at that moment in time, young, carefree and together._

_University Dropout  
Phil had been so amazing (no pun intended) when Dan decided that he couldn't take university anymore.   The dread of doing the exam had been eating Dan up for ages, and he lost it.  He yelled, and shouted, telling Phil that there was no way that he was going, and he didn't have to go because he didn't "give a fucking fuck anymore." He had ended up crying on their kitchen floor and Phil had comforted him, and told him that there was nothing wrong with doing so, and basically made him feel less shit. That just confirmed his feelings that no matter what life threw at him, he would get through it as long as he was with Phil._

_The Amazing Book is Not on Fire  
They had written a book.  An actual physical thing that could be purchased from a bookshop for people to read and enjoy and remember Dan and Phil for who they were.  They had put their entire lives into that book, working hard on it into the night as they tried to make it as good as it could be.  They filmed bits and bobs of making the book for their fans to see, and they filmed a trailer to show not only the book but also the fact that they were going on tour.  They had made something good, and were proud of it.  They had made something as Dan-And-Phil, something they thought that they'd always be, no matter what.  _

_The Amazing Tour is Not on Fire  
Out of all the things Dan never expected he'd achieve, a fucking stage show was not one of them.  Yet there he was, having finished singing _ _'The Internet is Here' for the last time, grinning widely at his best friend.  If you had told twelve-year-old Dan that he would be wearing a gold,  Willy-Wonka-esque waistcoat with a sparkly top hat to match, he probably would've have told you that you were as crazy as a "high Delia Smith placenta riding a llama xD".  It was surreal to see all of his fans screaming along to the lyrics as they watched Dan and Phil dance about the stage.  He had truly made a difference to these peoples' lives.  And he had done it all with Phil._

_Dan and Phil Go Outside  
Dan always loved his physical things to stroke (_ _CONSENSUALLY).  When they realised that TATINOF would be on YouTube, Dan wanted to keep a physical memory of everything that they had done.  They had put hard wok into their book:  whittling down what felt like a million pictures into the few hundred that were put in the book.  They thought it you;d be a great thing to look back on when they were both old and grey._

Dan had always thought that they'd end up being with each other forever.  

But that wasn't going to happen anymore.

* * *

Dan wouldn't have gotten out of bed if it wasn't for his need to pee.  He planned in staying in his duvet fort for a couple of hours (or for the rest of eternity) when his bladder failed him.  He went and pissed, and then wandered downstair to make himself something to eat (not cereal).  He nearly went back into his duvet fort when he saw one of Phil's socks left on the floor (which he'd usual end up berating Phil for, but now he was just filled with despair), but his stomach growled at him to go and eat something. 

He planned on grabbing marshmallows and going back to bed when he saw that a bowl of cereal had been left in the sink.  He definitely hand't put it there. 

He walked into the lounge, ready to flail and run as soon as he saw someone there.  

But when he walked in, he met a sight that nothing could've prepared him to face. 

Sitting on the couch, perfectly healthy, was Phil.

 

 

 

 


	11. In which Dan and Phil get some unfortunate news

Dan couldn't quite believe his eyes.  Phil was just sitting there, happily munching on some Crunchy Nut, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he had  _died_ not so long ago.  Dan convinced himself that Phil was a hallucination.  He slowly crept towards to Phil, an arm out.  If his hand went through Phil, then Phil was either a ghost or not real.  He walked slowly, about to tap Phil on the nose, when Phil suddenly turned to face Dan. 

"AAAHHH!"  Dan yelped, running to the edge of the room.   _Back to the wall_ , He thought,  _In any scary situation keep your back to the wall_.

"Dan?"  Phil said.  

Dan could have said many things at that point.  So many things, that I, the author, had spent days mulling over which phrase to use.  There were so many outcomes for each phrase.  He could've calmly asked what was going on.  He could've ran, screaming.  "You're supposed to be dead."  He said quite lamely after what seemed like an eternity.  

"Right."  Phil said.

"How are you alive right now?"  Dan asked, pressing into the wall as he stepped further away from Phil.  He didn't know what was happening, but he knew that it couldn't be good.  The only time he ever knew people that came back to life was when he watched occult-inspired movies.  Was Phil a part of an occult?  " _Are_ you even alive?"  Dan added as an afterthought. 

"I'm alive."  Phil said, "I'm not so sure how, but I'm living and breathing."

"But I saw you die.  I literally held your lifeless body."

"I know.  But dying was really weird.  Like the arrow hit me, but it didn't hurt  _that_ much.  It was like a paper cut, not like I had just been made into a kebab.  And when I died, I wasn't breathing, my heart wan't beating but I was still conscious.  And you now those half-death experiences that people have?  The ones where they get a glimpse of Heaven or Hell? I didn't get there.  I just kind of saw your face and then my eyes closed, and that was it.  It was like I was fully functioning but I just couldn't see."

"That's weird."  Dan said, "So, you're definitely not a ghost, zombie or vampire?"  

"Nope."  Phil said, popping the 'p'.  

"That's weird."  Dan said, his back against the wall. 

"You can, like, sit next to me, you know.  I won't bite."  

"Hmm..."  Dan said, his mind racing.  He had just been mourning his friend, yet here he was, apparently 100% alive.  This situation was just so absurd, he wasn't ready to accept it.   Phil seemed to be okay with it, but Dan wasn't ready to accept it yet.  He needed answers.  "Why, though?"  Dan said, "There is no way for you to be alive."

"Maybe it's because of this fanfiction universe."  Phil said, "Maybe we can't die." 

"That's impossible!" 

"And our situation isn't?"  Phil said, "Think about it, Dan.  Nothing we have done so far has made any sense, and we're suck in this universe for some godforsaken reason, but maybe we have to stay alive, so the fanfiction gods have brought me back so that I can complete this next fic." 

"Okay,"  Dan said, "That could be a possibility."  He paused for a second, "but if this was a fanfic, then surely there would've been something that made us realise what was happening."  And, as if the "fanfiction gods" (as Phil had dubbed them) were listening, Dan felt really sick and immediately ran to the toilet. 

* * *

The sickness didn't stop.  Dan felt nauseous all the time, with or without throwing up, and his head was always hurting.  "Phil!"  He'd shout from his room, "Can you bloody tell the sun to piss off because my head hurts!"  or he'd shout, "Phil!  Get me some motherfucking paracetamol before my head explodes!"  Or he'd simply say, "Head. Pain. Medicine."  This was not normal for Dan (well the headaches weren't, the shouting...?  Well, that was normal for an irritated Dan).

The next realisation that something was wrong was when Phil sat behind Dan on the bathroom floor and Dan burst into tears, saying that Phil was such a good friend.  "You're always so good to me,"  he said, weeping, "Who else would rub my back as I throw up?"  Phil had just looked at him, utterly confused at how melodramatic Dan was being. He then enveloped Phil in a hug,his tears wetting one of Phil's favourite shirts, and then immediately started crying harder when he realised that he had wet one of Phil's shirts.  Phil tried to convince him that he had done nothing wrong, but Dan was having none of it, so he slinked off to his room.  Twenty minutes later he was perfectly perky and ready to play some Halo.   

Then he started to hate coffee for some reason.  Phil was just "pouring himself a cuppa" as he described it, when Dan walked in and said, "Oh God, get whatever you're making away form me, I'm going to throw up if I can smell it for an longer than three seconds."

"But Dan, you like coffee?"

"Not anymore, it's making me feel sick."  

And then Dan got a weird need to have seafood in the middle of the night, even though he hated sea food. "Phil."  He said, creeping in to Phil's room, wrapped in his blanket like a comfy burrito.  "Phil, I want some sea bass."  

"What?"  Phil said.

"Sea bass, I want sea bass."  Dan said, trying to get how much he wanted that particular food across to Phil.  

"Well, where the bloody hell am I going to get sea bass in the middle of the night?"  Phil asked.

"I don't know!"  Dan said, "But I'll go mad if I don't have any."

"Go back to sleep."  Phil said, "I'll get your bloody sea bass in the morning."  And he did.  (Dan wolfed it down in three minutes). 

* * *

 "Dan,"  Phil said as soon as Dan, who was a lovely pale green, came back from the toilet after throwing up (once again), "I had a look at  _The Best Fix_."

"Yeah?"  Dan said, not wanting to know what Phil was going to say next.  If it was about phanfiction, it couldn't be anything good.

"The next fanfic is a m-preg fic."  

Dans eyes widened as his mouth fell open slightly.  "A m-preg?"  he said, "Does that mean...?"

"Yeah."  Phil said, "Congratulations, Dan, you're pregnant."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, she uploads!  
> Ahhhh I have so much to say.   
> Number One, I can't upload regularly anymore, it'll just have to be when I get the time, sorry.... But the thing is, I don't want to upload a chapter that I don't like, so that means I'll have to take longer to write it.   
> Number two, WTF we hit over a hundred kudos! I am so thankful for all of you who read my book(s), it means the world to me, and to those of you who comment or give kudos, I love you to pieces! I actually can't believe that so many of you like this book! It's actually mad, like I can't even imagine a hundred people.   
> Number three, The m-preg is here. I have had this in the works for a while, so woo I can finally write it!  
> Number four, I hate doing this, but #spon: if you want to check out my other book, I have another ongoing pic called _in pieces_ which is a quite angsty established relationship phan with a depressed Dan, and I feel as though I really like that book, so if you're interested then check it out! I also have a one-shot called _Always and Forever_ which is basically about phan having a secret relationship, and it's an AU. I'm actually working on other one-shots, and I'll update you on how those are going, if you're interested!   
>  Anyway, thanks so much for reading, I love you loads, and I'll hopefully upload a chapter within the next fortnight!


	12. In which Dan fucking hates the "fanfiction gods"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually used a pregnancy website because i don't have the first clue about that shit.  
> anywayyyyy i linked it in the story.  
> i made it brief, but in essence it is the website's words, not mine.  
> i will _italicise_ it so that you know that it is not mine. it belongs entirely to <https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/in-depth/pregnancy/art-20047208>

_"Congratulations, Dan, you're pregnant."_

Dan's mouth dropped open in shock, and he suddenly felt very nauseous (even though he had thrown up a few minutes ago).  His mouth was dry and his palms were sweaty as his heart picked up its pace and started beating erratically.  "What?"  He said, as if asking Phil to repeat himself would change what had happened.  

"You're pregnant.  You can buy a test and shit, but in this universe you're pregnant." 

"How will a test tell me whether I'm pregnant or not?  Surely it'd only work for a woman."  

"Pregnancy tests are designed to tell if your urine or blood contains a hormone called human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG).  Even though that means that the baby has attached itself to the mum, it'll be there in your body too."

"How do you know this?"  Dan asked, genuinely perplexed.  

"Took a medicine class in university:  y'know like a taster one."  Dan was wondering how Phil was being so calm about the whole situation.  He guessed that it was because he was the on who was pregnant, not Phil.  

"How did this even happen?  I'm a male!"

"Dan, we both know that your m-preg fic jokes aren't just jokes.  What normally happens in them?"

Dan turned red and muttered, "Well, it depends, but a lot of the time they have a gene which allows males to get pregnant and those who can get pregnant are 'carriers'.  Then they have a c-section or some other kind of machine that gets the baby out of there."

"Exactly.  So you must be a carrier, then."  He paused before adding, "In this universe, I mean."  

Dan frowned.  "Why me?"  He said, "All other women say that childbirth is the most painful thing a woman goes through, and now I have to be subjected to that for no bloody reason!"  

"Well, what can we do?"  Phil sighed.  

Dan stayed silent, frowning at the floor.  He was already upset that he was puking all over the place, but now this?  He didn't want to have a baby!  He didn't want to give birth!  He wouldn't even get to keep the ruddy thing!

"Hey, Dan,"  Phil said, his voice playful all of a sudden, "Guess what?"

"What?"  Dan said, irritated.  His voice was tense and his word was spat out at Phil, but that didn't hide Phil's grin.  

"If _you're_ pregnant then the phandom must be right about me topping!" Phil joked.  

Dan's eyes widened- one, because Phil had obviously thinking of...  _how_ it had been conceived, and two because  _Phil Lester_ just made a sex joke.  

Had the world gone mad? 

(Don't answer that). 

* * *

Dan went to google that night, and searched for what happens in the first trimester.  He knew very little about pregnancy, and all he knew was from his friend, Louise (Fundal height, amiright?)

He found a very helpful website and read an article.  

_[Pregnancy by week](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/in-depth/pregnancy/art-20047208) _

_The first trimester of pregnancy is marked by an invisible — yet amazing — transformation. And it happens quickly. Hormones trigger your body to begin nourishing the baby even before tests and a physical exam can confirm the pregnancy._

_Knowing what physical and emotional changes to expect during the first trimester can help you face the months ahead with confidence._

_**Your body** _

_While your first sign of pregnancy might have been a missed period, you can expect several other physical changes in the coming weeks, including:_

  * _**Tender, swollen breasts.**  Soon after conception, hormonal changes might make your breasts sensitive or sore. The discomfort will likely decrease after a few weeks as your body adjusts to hormonal changes._
  * _**Nausea with or without vomiting.**  Morning sickness, which can strike at any time of the day or night, often begins one month after you become pregnant. This might be due to rising hormone levels. To help relieve nausea, avoid having an empty stomach. Eat slowly and in small amounts every one to two hours. Choose foods that are low in fat. Avoid foods or smells that make your nausea worse. Drink plenty of fluids. Foods containing ginger might help. Motion sickness bands, acupuncture or hypnosis might offer relief — but get the OK from your health care provider first. Contact your health care provider if your nausea and vomiting is severe._
  * _**Increased urination.**  You might find yourself urinating more often than usual. The amount of blood in your body increases during pregnancy, causing your kidneys to process extra fluid that ends up in your bladder._
  * _**Fatigue.**  During early pregnancy, levels of the hormone progesterone soar — which can put you to sleep. Rest as much as you can. A healthy diet and exercise might help boost your energy._
  * _**Food aversions.**  When you're pregnant, you might become more sensitive to certain odors and your sense of taste might change. Like most other symptoms of pregnancy, food preferences can be chalked up to hormonal changes._
  * _**Heartburn.**  Pregnancy hormones relaxing the valve between your stomach and esophagus can allow stomach acid to leak into your esophagus, causing heartburn. To prevent heartburn, eat small, frequent meals and avoid fried foods, citrus fruits, chocolate, and spicy or fried foods._
  * _**Constipation.**  High levels of the hormone progesterone can slow the movement of food through your digestive system, causing constipation. Iron supplements can add to the problem. To prevent or relieve constipation, include plenty of fiber in your diet and drink lots of fluids, especially water and prune or other fruit juices. Regular physical activity also helps._



Dan groaned.  Great!  Not only did he have to shove a kid out of who knows where, he had to deal with all of those symptoms too.   _I'm definitely looking forwards to the heartburn and constipation_ , he thought sarcastically, _because the nausea and constant need to pee just isn't bad enough!_

The [website](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/in-depth/pregnancy/art-20047208) then continued to say:

###  _Your emotions_

_Pregnancy might leave you feeling delighted, anxious, exhilarated and exhausted — sometimes all at once. Even if you're thrilled about being pregnant, a new baby adds emotional stress to your life._

_It's natural to worry about your baby's health, your adjustment to parenthood and the financial demands of raising a child. If you're working, you might worry about how to balance the demands of family and career. You might also experience mood swings. What you're feeling is normal. Take care of yourself, and look to your loved ones for understanding and encouragement. If your mood changes become severe or intense, consult your health care provider for support._

###  _Prenatal care_

_Whether you choose a family doctor, obstetrician, nurse-midwife or other pregnancy specialist, your health care provider will treat, educate and reassure you throughout your pregnancy._

_Your first visit will focus on assessing your overall health, identifying any risk factors and determining your baby's gestational age. Your health care provider will ask detailed questions about your health history. Be honest. If you're uncomfortable discussing your health history in front of your partner, schedule a private consultation. Also expect to learn about first trimester screening for chromosomal abnormalities, including prenatal cell-free DNA screening._

_After the first visit, you'll probably be asked to schedule checkups every four weeks. During these appointments, discuss any concerns or fears you might have about pregnancy, childbirth or life with a newborn. Remember, no question is silly or unimportant — and the answers can help you take care of yourself and your baby._

If Dan was going to be honest, he didn't give a shit about taking care of the child after it was born because he knew that the fic would move on, having read the fic straight after Phil had told him that he was pregnant.  He didn't even want to think of prenatal care.   He was pushing away  the idea of having a baby until it was absoultuley necessary to go to the doctors.  Until then, he was happy to just sit around and pretend that he wasn't the 'home' to a foetus, but instead he was just a normal Dan. 

He still scrolled through thousands of pregnancy articles, though, because if he was going to do this, he was going to do this right.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware that this chapter isn't up to my usual standards as most of it is just from another [ website ](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/in-depth/pregnancy/art-20047208), but I felt the need for information about the first trimester to be there before I went through it, and also I'm pretty dead right now.  
> in the next chapter, you can expect a description week by week of the first trimester: a comparison between the fanfiction they're stuck in (like the actual author written thing) and the what they're reactions to it, as in how they dealt with those situations.


	13. In which Dan experiences the joys of the first trimester

_A pitch-black curtain replaces the pink and orange streaky sky, the stars warped and twisted beyond recognition.  Some are dull, flickering in and out of existence as others burn brighter than the thrill settling in his stomach.  Any lingering light is obliterated by the rapidly falling night as he makes his way home.  The fog settles near the ground, turning his vision into a misty grey blur.  A chill rests on him, ruffling his clothes and throwing his hair into his face.  He pulls his coat closer to his body as he walks down the dimly-lit alleyway.  A fallen branch cracks beneath his feet, disturbing the sweet silence around him._

_The light from the surrounding buildings begin to ebb into dreary, dull darkness, leaving a trail of eerie green light for him to follow deeper into the city.  A faint police siren can be heard, evidence that danger lurks around every street corner.  His breath leaves a small cloud of air in front of him, proving that the chills running down his spine aren’t just fear, but because it's fucking cold._

_He is practically alone in the alleyway: his only companion is the wind that’s whistling beside him.  Lamps line the narrow street, pushing straw coloured streaks in the pavement.  The cobblestone path is uneven and bumpy beneath his feet, and he ignores the birds crying out through the silence as if they’re warning him that he shouldn’t be there.  He picks up his pace, a Sainsbury's bag swinging in his hand._

_He’s still walking briskly through the skyscrapers.  They tower above him, intimidating in the darkness that surrounds him.  The city is dead and dull.  He just wants to get home._

_He continues to walk through the City of Silence, humming quietly to himself.  He can see Big Ben in the distance, no longer chiming constantly, the Houses of Parliament lingering below the clock tower.  They are glowing orange, a stark contrast to the cool air that cloaks his body.  They’re both to far away to be recognized by anyone who doesn’t know these streets like the back of their hand, blending into the darkness of the grey buildings around them._

_He can hear some men chortling in the distance, probably drunk out of their minds. He could imagine the smell of alcohol radiating off of them, and he feels slightly ill.  He was never didn’t like the smell of alcohol, even though he drank shots every now and then.  (And he drinks on ‘Wine Wednesdays’, but we don’t talk about that).He continues wandering through the veil of fog, not stopping to admire a few of the brick-layered building besides him.  London holds that magic, the air of history right under everyone’s noses._

_The sky is now cloudy, and he considers calling one of the black cabs to take him home.  He’d seen many of them on the roads earlier in their night, their dark figures somehow shining through the darkness, TAXI emblazoned across their bodies.  London is the only city where people are busy even when the city is sleeping. He couldn’t wait to get back home._

_He just had to cross that last road, and in his rush he forgot to look left and then look right._

_There was a flash of light and a yell._

_Then there was nothing._

* * *

Dan jolted awake, a yell lost in his throat.  He was sweating everywhere, his palms, his forehead, everywhere.  

What was that dream about?

It was so real, so  _lifelike_ , he found it difficult to believe that it hadn't actually happened, and that he hadn't just woken up from a nightmare.  

Were nightmares supposed too be so chilling that you are still shivering, despite being awake and warm in your bed?

It was if all of his senses were alive when he was in that dream.  

He could  _feel_ the wind as it whistled behind him.  He could  _hear_ every quiet footstep that he took.  He could  _see_ everything  _so clearly_ , it was as if everything was in HD.   He could _smell_ the smoke in the air, wafting towards him from the bar.  He could  _taste_ the salty air. 

_It was just a dream, Dan.  Pull yourself together._

And with that thought in mind, he pulled himself out of bed and meandered downstairs. 

* * *

"Jesus, Phil, is this what it fucking feels like whenever you're in  a moving vehicle?" Dan groaned, his head hung over the toilet as he felt incredibly queasy.  

"I don't know whether morning sickness is similar to travel sickness, Dan.  Surprisingly, I've never been pregnant." Phil sighed.

"Fuck you.  This is your fault."

"How is it my fault?"  Phil asked.  He wasn't angry, just generally tired.  

"You impregnated me." 

"I didn't.  Fanfiction me did."

"Then who can I blame?"

"Blame _theslytherinqueen_."  Phil said, "she's the one who wrote that fic and put you in this position."

"Let's just be glad that she hasn't changed her name to _theslytherinboobking._ "

"I thought we were never going to talk about that video again."

"Shut up and hold my hair back."

"You don't even have long hair."

"Well, you're not pregnant, so hold my fucking hair back."

* * *

"I swear to God, Phil, I've had to pee like seven times in the last ten minutes."  Dan said, flopping onto the couch and lying down.  

"TMI, Dan.  I may have known you for literal lightyears, but I didn't need to know that!"

"Lightyears is a measure of  _speed_ , you idiot!  It's like the bloody sound barrier all over again!"  Dan joked, plopping is legs on Phil's lap.  

"Firstly, get your smelly feet off of me.  Secondly, who keeps naming these things?  It's so confusing."

"I'm not moving my feet.  They hurt."

"Okay, fine."  Phil said, and Dan smiled contently.  

* * *

"Phil."  Dan said. 

"Yeah?"

"I'm showing." 

"Showing what?"

"My brand new Mercedes."  Dan said sarcastically, "The baby bump has arrived, what the fuck else would I be talking about?"

"Can I see?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because that's weird."  Dan said, "I look weird."

"Okay."  Phil paused for a second.  "Can you like balance a laptop on it?  Or like a cup of tea?"

Dan just stared at Phil.  "What the- Of course I can't!" 

"Maybe when you're closer to birth."

"Fuck me, Phil, I'd rather not think about that."

"And I'd rather not do that." 

Dan was confused for a second, so he replayed what he said in his head.  

Realising what Phil had said, he blushed.  

"Shut up."  he said over Phil's laughter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may not be able to upload for the next few weeks, so please bear with me!   
> thanks for reading xx


	14. In which Dan and Phil beat the system

"Phil..."  Dan said, and Phil didn't do anything. 

" _Phil!_ "  

Still nothing. 

Dan threw a Bulbasaur plushie at Phil. 

"What?"  Phil said, turning towards Dan.  

"Now that I have your attention,"  Dan said, "we are not going through with this whole plot."

"What?"  Phil said, "We have to just finish the fic.  That's how this works.  We already figured it out."

"No."  Dan said, "This is too weird.  It was okay at first, but now I'm showing signs of pregnancy and it's fucking strange.  We can't ignore it anymore.  What are we supposed to do?  Just wait until this thing pops out of me?  That's insane.  There's no point in trying to finish this fic, because I don't want to."

"I'm sorry, Dan, but there's nothing we can do.  We're stuck in this situation, and we can't just get out of it by saying that we don't want to do it anymore.  It's not that simple.  I wish it was, but it just isn't, okay."  Phil said.

"That's easy for you to say!"

"Well, it's the truth!  I can't help it!"

Dan sighed, and they sat in silence for a minute.  

After a moment, he said, "Remember in the Hunger Games thing?  You weren't supposed to die in that fic.  And when you did, the fic stopped."

"And we switched to another story..."

"Exactly." Dan said, "Why did that happen?"

"Well, we weren't prepared to be in the Hunger Games, so I died.  And I guess that wasn't supposed to happen."

"So, if we do something that makes the fic go in a different direction to the direction it's supposed to go in, it'll switch the fic."

"Because if something drastically changes, the end to the fic hasn't been written, so it just ends there!"

"That means that if we make this fic go the way it isn't supposed to, then it'll switch to the next one."

"Right, so what do we do?" Phil asked.

"I don't know!   _You_ were the one who read the fic!"

"Right."  he said.  They sat in silence for a moment, before Phil said, "What if we like made you like, break a bone or something?" 

"What?"

"Well, obviously you didn't break a bone in the fic, so that would work."

"Phil, I'm not going to willingly break a bone." Dan said.  

"Then stay pregnant."

Dan groaned out of frustration.  "Ugh! Fine!   _You_ stay here and figure something out, and I'm going to pee!" And with that, he stormed out of the lounge.  

* * *

 

After peeing, Dan walked back into the living room.  "Well?"  He said.

"I might have an idea."  Phil said, "There's no obvious way to change the course of the plot, because it's very simple as the plot is just having a child."

"Right.  So what's the plan."

"We need to create some kind of drama.  Something that isn't simple, something that throws the whole plot in another direction."

"And that is?"

"Delete your channel."  Phil said simply.

"What?"

"It's big, dramatic and throws the plot in another direction." 

"And there won't be an ending written for it.  It makes sense."

"So go ahead.  Do it."

"But what if,"  Dan argued, "What if it gets deleted in the real world?"

"Dan,"  Phil said, "There's nothing here that's told us that this fanfiction world has an correlation to the real world.  The likelihood is that your videos will be fine."

"It's risky."

"But sometimes you have to take risks."

"Okay."  Dan said, and he waddled over to where his laptop was.  He opened YouTube, and he signed in.  He went to settings and clicked the 'Delete Account' option. 

 _Are you sure?_ The computer pop-up read. 

 _Not really,_ Dan said, but he clicked 'Yes' anyway. 

And just like that, his channel was gone.  

And nothing happened.  

Dan was still pregnant, Phil was still watching the computer screen, and _danisnotonfire_ was truly dead.

* * *

_There was a flash of light and a yell._

_Then there was nothing._

* * *

Dan woke up, sweating again.  That was the second time that he had dreamt about walking home, and it ended the same way, at the same time.  Dan did not have to step into the Harry Potter Universe and take Divination to understand that reoccurring dreams meant something.  What it meant, he did not know.  But it could;t be good.  The dream in itself was unsettling.  It had a disturbing air about it, a sense of danger filling the air and flooding Dan's senses. 

No, the dream couldn't be a good thing at all. 

Dan's worries about the dream were pushed to the side, however, because he realised that for the first time in months he had woken up without the  _oh-so-comforting_ nausea pregnancy had gifted him.  He practically jumped out of bed and ran to the mirror, and he nearly squealed when he noticed that there was no bump. 

He practically skipped downstairs, and began to yell, "Phil! It worked! We beat the system!"  He also began to happy dance around their living room.  "Oh yeah, we beat the system! Woo!  Who beat the system?  Dan and Phil did!  Yeah, we did!  Oh yeah!"  He froze in the middle of pumping his fists into the air into the air when he head someone chuckling behind him.  

"You are a terrible dancer."  Phil said, laughing. 

" _Your mum's_ a terrible dancer."  Dan replied.

"Actually shut up."  Phil said.

"You started it."  Dan argued.  

Phil was about to reply when they heard someone shout, "Daddy!" 

They turned to the source of the noise (also known as the door to the living room), and a little brown haired girl came running up to Dan, and jumped into his arms.

Dan nearly screamed and he somehow managed to catch the girl.  "Um, hello?"  He said.

"Daddy!  I was playing dolls with Emily and she tried to pull my hair.  I don't want a stinky baby sister. She's no fun."  The girl complained.

Dan attempted to put the girl down, but she had an iron grip on him. "Right."  He said, "Well, try saying sorry and explaining the game to her?" Dan said, although it was more of a question than a solution.  

"That's a rubbish idea!" She whined, "Fine, I'll get Papa to help." She then began to reach for Phil, and Dan and Phil made eye contact, both of them thinking the same thing. 

 _Well, shit_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many years has it been since I uploaded?  
> I am so sorry that I kind of abandoned this fic, but I am back on track now!  
> I might miss a few of my "scheduled" posting blocks, but I am trying to get this story and my other chaptered story (in pieces) back to vaguely regular posting schedules.  
> Also, I am working on a bunch of one-shots, I have a couple posted, and a few more should be posted soon (she says). So, there's that as well!  
> Thank you so much for reading! xx  
> (ps i wrote this with a really bad case of the hiccups)


	15. In which Dan and Phil come up with a "POA" (as Phil put it)

Dan was currently googling their names trying to see if anything that could tell them what the  _hell_ had happened to make him and Phil have two (possibly more than that) kids.  Mr. Philip, however was pacing about the room, freaking the  _fuck_ out.

"We are not suitable parents!  Heck, I can't even hold a phone without dropping it!"  Phil said.

" _Heck_?" Dan replied, "Keeping it PG13 there, are you Lester?"

"Oh shush."  Phil said.

" _Shush_?  Wow, I guess we can see who the mum is."

"Dan, can you please focus?  This was all fun and games until we had to be responsible for actual,  _human_ lives."

"Okay, okay, keep your wig on."  Dan said, returning to the computer.  So far, he couldn't find any trace of their YouTube channels, their work with the BBC, their books, TATINOF or anything.  There was no evidence of their YouTube channels at all.  He also looked for other people that he knew:  Sean, Mark, PJ, Chris, Louise, every creator they knew, but there was nothing. In fact, he couldn't find YouTube at all.  "Phil,"  he said, "I don't think YouTube exists in this alternate universe."

"What?"  Phil said.

"Yeah.  Try looking for a fic on that website that has a description like 'what if YouTube didn't exist?'"

"Yeah, okay."  Phil said, pulling his phone out and looking for the fic.  

After a minute of looking at his phone and scrolling, Phil said, "Yeah, there's one here which could match, but I really hope it doesn't."

"Why not?"  Dan said, getting up and looking over Phil's shoulder at his phone.  Phil had opened up a fanfic called  _Keep it Underground_.  

"It's not technically one where YouTube doesn't  _exist_ , it does, but just not in the way we know it."

"What?"

"Here, listen to the description.   _What if YouTube wasn't a video sharing platform?  What if it was a website, found in one of the darkest corners of the_ _dark web, a place where any criminal can find partners, or worse, victims?  What if Dan and Phil, two normal dads, happen to stumble across this website?  What if after that, their lives are never the same?_ "

"Well,"  Dan said, "that sounds ominous as fuck.  Here I was thinking that this was a cute fluffy thing..."

"Dan, get your head on straight.  This could be bad.  This could be really bad.  What does the author mean by  _their lives are never the same_?"

"Obviously we both turn into centaurs and ride into the sunset with Dolores Umbridge on our backs."  Dan replied sarcastically.

"Dan!"

"Fine, fine."  Dan said, "It probably means that some bad guys are after us."

"That doesn't sound fun."

"We survived _The Hunger Games_."

"I seemed to remember  _dying_." 

"It could mean something else.  It could mean we become drug dealing gangsters who don't care about the law,  _MUM_ _!_ "

"Yeah, I can so see that happening when we're middle aged with two kids."

"Well, how am I supposed to know?  We aren't getting anywhere buy bickering like an old married couple, maybe you should read the fic and find out."  Dan said.

"Fine."  Phil replied before sitting on the couch and beginning to read. 

Dan, however, flopped dramatically on the couch, "Oh, how are lives are filled woe!"  He said in a sing-song manner.

Phil snorted, "It could be worse - I could be stuck with you for eternity.  Oh, wait..."

"Hey!"

* * *

 

_The Howell-Lester's were a seemingly average family.  There were two dads, Dan and Phil Howell-Lester, and they had adopted three kids:  Emily, Lucy and Dylan.  Emily was the youngest, being only two years old.  She had be a premature baby, and that meant Dan and Phil had to wait before she was out of hospital before they could take her home.  She had Lucy was five years old, and she really didn't like her sister as she was an attention seeker, and she didn't like to share.  Dan and Phil had picked her up when she was two years old, and they had been_ _told that she was a trouble child.  However, Dan and Phil were able to parent here, and despite the occasional blip, she was doing fine.  Dylan was their oldest.  He was eight years old, born of a surrogate (a friend of Dan and Phil who was called Louise).  Dylan really resembled Dan, not only in looks, but in mannerisms.  They decided not to go for surrogacy again, because they decided that they wanted to help children who hadn't had the best starts in life, for help orphans by taking them into their home.  It wasn't the easiest thing as they were a same-sex couple, but they managed to get through to some adoption agencies._

_They were now living a happy and normal life._

_But soon, everything would change._

* * *

"Okay, okay."  Dan said, two days later.  He and Phil had made a plan.  They sent the youngest over to Louise (who still happened to be their friend)'s house, claiming that Dan was ill and didn't want to make the baby ill as well.  Louise didn't believe them much, no matter how _obviously great_ Dan's acting had been.  Nevertheless, she said that she'd take care of the two year old.  Dan and Phil were relieved, as they didn't have much faith in their ability to parent a two-year-old.  The other two kids were old enough to go to school, and Dan and Phil arranged a bunch of playdates so that they didn't have to worry about taking care of them as much.  They still played the part of the concerned, loving parents and took care of the kids as best as they could, but they just needed some time to figure out firstly what was going on and secondly how to fix it without the kids finding out.  "I finally finished reading it.  Why did you force me to read it?  Your eyes being tired should not be a valid reason.  This fic is so freaking long it might as well have been an encyclopaedia."

"Kids today won't get that joke."  Phil replied.

"Good thing you're in your late twenties and I'm over thirty years old, then."

"Ha ha."  Phil said flatly.

"Anyway, between all the waffle and sex and whatever -" Dan began, but he was interupted by a small voice.

"What's sex?"  A little girl with brown pigtails said walking up to Phil and hugging his legs.

"Hey there, Lucy,"  Phil said, picking the girl up.  Phil then looked at Dan.  "You just had to be unaware of your surroundings, didn't you?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not used to the setup am I?"

"What's sex?"  Lucy said again.  

"Um..."  Dan said, "well, when a mummy and daddy love each other very much, they give each other a special hug.  That's sex."

"So am I having sex with papa right now?"  Lucy asked, sill clinging onto Phil.

"No."  Dan said quickly, "It can only happen when you're over sixteen years old."

"Oh."  Lucy said, looking sad,  "What happens when there's two daddies, like you and papa?"

"Um, it can happen with two daddies and two mummies too."

"Okay, can you come play with me?"  she asked. 

"Not right now, Lucy, go and ask Dylan." 

"Okay,"  she said, happily skipping off to go and find her brother.  

"A special hug?" Phil said, as soon as she was out of earshot.  

"First thing I could think of."  Dan replied.

"Okay."

"Anyway, the fic."  Dan said, changing the subject, "It was what I first thought:  we're going to get hunted down by some bad guys."

"Okay, and?"

"What's going to happen is that they're going to kidnap the kids and there'll be this whole fight scene."

"Right."  Phil said, "So what's the POA?"

"POA?"

"Plan of action."

"Oh, right."  Dan said, "Well, we just need to throw the fic off course, so surprise family trip to India!"

"Seriously?"

"Well they can't break into our house and steal our children if we're in India."

"Okay fine, let's do this then."

Dan nodded and opened his computer in order to book tickets, whilst Phil rang Louise to ask about how he should pick Emily up.  

They had a plan, and now it was in action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back after literal centuries.  
> I'm so sorry, I've literally abandoned this account - I will try and write more.  
> A disaster struck earlier, because a bunch of my one-shot drafts got deleted, so I've been trying to recreate the stories that I lost, and adding that to work and mental health issues meant that I kind of neglected my chaptered fics.  
> However, I am going to try to get somewhat regular updates - maybe not every week, but every fortnight.  
> Thanks so much for bearing with me, and thanks so much for reading.  
> Special thanks to anyone who commented or left kudos, it really means the world to me!  
> I'll see you soon (hopefully).


	16. In which Dan yells at some homophobes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning there is some homophobic language towards the end (f**got and poof) so if you get triggered, or are uncomfortable with it, that's fine, stop reading at the _italic speech_ which is between the middle aged couple and I'll sum up the remainder of the chapter (from that point) at the end :)

Dan really wishes that he had thought the whole plan through before deciding to bring three kids on an airplane.

Oh well, he was in for it now.  

They hadn’t been able to find five seat all next to each other on the plane that they’d booked, so Dan, was sitting between Lucy and Dylan, across the aisle Phil was sitting with Emily in his arms.

Now, Dan had been on an airplane before, and as you all know whenever you’re on an airplane, there’s always that one baby that won’t fucking shut up.  And even though on a normal day Dan loved kids, he would get really annoyed at the screaming child from keeping him from getting a decent amount of sleep (or an as decent an amount of sleep you can get from sleeping on a plane).  But when you’re responsible for the child?  Oh no, you can’t just put your headphones on.  You have to calm the child down whilst telling the other one to stop bickering with his sister whilst trying to answer the “are we there yet” questions that seem to come your way every three minutes and keep your sanity at the same time. 

A truly impossible feat for Dan, who didn’t have the best temper.  (Especially since these kids weren’t his). 

Dan thought that he’d have at least an hour or so before the kids started annoying him, but no.  The fucking moment they got on the plane, it took ten minutes to get Lucy to sit still, took five to convince Dylan that _no they weren’t going to die_ , and fucking Phil just sat there, holding Emily in his arms and listening to the flight attendant attentively, like the perfect fucking father, and that pissed Dan off so much because all he could think about was a tiny Phil running around now, with him and Phil as the child’s parents.  (He also thought about some other, not-so-PG13 things, but there are children around, so let’s not discuss that). 

And take off.  Bloody hell.  

He was wondering how the hell other Dan and Phil had brought these kids up, because as soon as the plane started moving Lucy began screaming, and Dan had to quickly shove an iPad into her hands just to shut her up.  

And then the complaining began. 

_“Dad, my ears hurt.”_

_“Dad, this flight is taking forever.”_

_“Dad, I’m hungry.”_

_“Dad, I’m bored.”_

What was it about planes that made children so irritating?

Dan was getting really frustrated, so he shoved an iPad into both of the kids’ hands (so that they wouldn’t move) and went to speak with Phil. 

“Phil.”  He said, poking the older man on the forehead, “Mate, you have to switch places with me.”

“Why?”  Phil said.

“Because they’re driving me _mad_.”  Dan whispered. (What? His kids may be annoying, but he didn’t want to upset them).

“Why?”

“Because they won’t shut up.”

“Why?"

“Do you have no other words in your vocabulary?”  Dan snapped, “They won’t shut up because they’re kids and they have short attention spans, and apparently me going red in the face is really funny, because _you look like a tomato, daddy_!” 

Phil looked really taken aback, and Dan felt kind of bad for whisper-yelling at him.

“Sorry,” Dan said, “It’s just a lot.  Please, can I switch places with you?”

“Yeah.”  Phil replied, “I’ll pass Emily to you.”

“Sure.”

Phil got up, and Dan sat down in his place, taking Emily in his arms.  Phil then went over to his kids who didn’t even look up from their iPads.

And, of course, as soon as Phil sat down, Emily started crying in Dan’s arms. 

Annoyed passengers were tutting and glaring at him, Phil was looking at him with a look full of pity and Dan was put off of having kids.

Forever.

* * *

 

The plane ride did _not_ get better.  Dan took about fifteen minutes to get Emily back to sleep, and that may not seem like a long time, but in his situation it definitely was. 

It was fifteen minutes of rocking Emily back and forth whilst shushing her.

Fifteen minutes of being glared at.

Fifteen minutes of praying to any and all deities out there that she would fall asleep soon.

But that wasn’t the worst bit.

Dan had left his bag at the seat he’d originally been sitting in, so he began to motion to Phil to try and get his headphones out (Emily had fallen asleep, and Dan was bored).

He was in the middle of wildly gesticulating towards his bag, when an old, middle-aged couple began complaining from the seat behind them.

_“Who even trusted those two men with kids?  They obviously can’t take care of them.”_

_“And the kids don’t even like them!  The little one started crying when the one with brown hair picked her up!”_

_“Honestly, they should bring the death penalty back for faggots.”_

When Dan heard that word he froze for a second.

He saw red.  The anger began to consume his body:  how _dare_ they even speak like that?

He wanted to turn around and slap the crusty, old homophobes in the face, but he restrained himself.

Phil shook his head, “Leave it.”  He mouthed. 

Dan frowned.  He shouldn’t get angry and yell at them, because that will just escalate the citizen.  But he couldn’t let go of it.  Letting go of it would just make him be pissed off for the rest of the day.

He had to deal with it, but in a mature way.

He took a deep breath and plastered a fake smile on his face, turning to face the couple behind them.

“Hello.”  He said, his voice slightly strained, “I just heard you talking, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t say those kinds of words around the kids.”

“I’ll say what I want.”  The woman replied, “Those children need to be taught that homosexuality is a sin.”

Dan took another deep breath, “Whatever your opinions are, keep them away from the children.  I don’t want them exposed to this.”

“Whatever.”  The man said, “You and your children will end up in hell.”

“Dan,” Phil said, “Leave it.”

“You should listen to your poof husband.”  The woman sneered.

And Dan had had enough.

“Fuck it.”  He said, “Your narrow-minded, homophobic opinions should be kept to you and only you!  It doesn’t matter what your opinions are: you shouldn’t be a dick about it!  So what?  I’m bisexual!  Big fucking whoop!  Now, _please_ , stop being homophobic in front of these kids.  And don’t you dare talk about my fr- husband like that again!”

The couple looked taken aback.  They muttered something under their breath, but didn’t really do anything else.

Dan, quite pleased with himself sat back down.

Phil was looking at him in shock.  “You didn’t have to do that.”  He said.

“They insulted you.  It wasn’t like I was going to let that slide.”  Dan said, shrugging.

“That was epic.”  Phil said, grinning at Dan, “You were so angry– you could almost say that you were _on fire_.”

“That, Philip, is _unacceptable_.”

Phil just laughed (and yes, he was doing the tongue-poking-out thing).

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Summary: A couple is sitting behind the Howell-Lesters and are being homophobic. Dan gets irritated and asks them to stop. One of them insult Phil so Dan yells at them. Phil thanks Dan and makes a _Dan Is On Fire_ pun and then the chapter ends.)
> 
> I'm sorry it's literally been two months since I've uploaded! I feel so bad...
> 
> I kind of just wasn't finding the time, and then I put it off because I'm a procrastinator. 
> 
> For a couple of weeks my mental health was a bit shit too, but I could've written this sooner, so I am sorry.
> 
> But never mind, the chapter is here. 
> 
> I'll (hopefully) be updating my other fic, _in pieces_ at some point wither this week or next week, but we all know how great I am at keeping promises (pretty shit tbh). 
> 
> Also, with how Dan dealt with the homophobes - just be careful if you are going to react to those kind of people in a similar, make sure that you're keeping yourself safe, and that by retaliating you aren't putting yourself in danger. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Thank you so much for reading and I will upload at some point :'D
> 
> (also say hi to me on instagram - @i.make.edits.idk)


	17. NOT A CHAPTER

hey guys...

if you’ve read this message on my other story then it’s the exact same one :)

so. a lot has been going on in my life which began my very long hiatus for this story. and it’s been months since i’ve uploaded, which i’m sorry for.

you see, the thing is every time i try and write these stories no words come out. i can’t find anything to write almost - there’s no inspiration.

i started these stories last year as a way to pass the time, and now i have a lot on my plate and i don’t want to lose my love for writing by forcing myself to post things that i no longer have the inspiration to write.

and so i am going to put these stories on an indefinite hiatus. i don’t know when exactly i’ll upload the next chapter(if i ever do). but don’t worry. if in the next however long i decide to finally say goodbye to these stories then i’ll upload another chapter that explains how they end.

thank you so much for reading these stories and enjoying them so far. knowing that you’ve enjoyed something that i’ve written makes me very happy and kept me writing far past the point where i lost my inspiration.

goodbye (for now) xx


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